ALALTAIERI, IERI, AZI

ALALTAIERI

E atata liniste in jurul meu incat am inceput sa vorbesc cu mine insami. Sunt la o cafenea vis-a-vis de blocul unde locuiesc – mai nou – si beau o cola in schimbul unei ore de internet gratuit. In casa ma sufoc, 30m patrati nu mi prea ajung, asa ca am iesit sa comunic. Cu cativa prieteni, cu laptopul si atat, ce mai conteaza. Ploua intruna…de fapt nu intruna…a plouat cam de 10 ori astazi, intrerupt. A iesit si soarele de dimineata, parca sa mi aminteasca sa zambesc, ca nu e chiar atat de rau. Nu pot sa spun ca nu mi e bine, dar ma simt putin singura…am zile libere si nu stiu ce sa fac cu ele, de unde sa incep. Am mers pe jos pana la birou astazi.

                Si iata cum, in timp ce ma plangeam aici ca ploua mereu, a iesit iar soarele, a doua oara astazi, este 16:32. Parca ma simte ca vreau mai mult…mai multa caldura, mai multi oameni, mai multa comunicare…macar un om, jumatatea mea..?!

     IERI

         Astazi am iesit la alta cafenea de langa blocul meu..m am asezat linistita langa locul unde scria parola de la wi-fi si am cerut – evident, o cola. Imi aduceam aminte de zilele cand bateam restaurantele in sus si-n jos, la orice ora si cu oricine, iar acum eram singura cu o sticla de cola. Nu imi place sa vad oameni mancand singuri in restaurant..si erau cativa in jurul meu..mi se pare trist sa nu ai cu cine sa-ti imparti pranzul, chiar si pe fuga, suficient pentru o gluma buna si un zambet lejer. Am preferat sa mananc acasa, tot singura, la masa mea, insa citind o carte adusa din Romania. Incercasem sa o incep din avion, insa am adormit de indata ce a decolat si m am trezit doar cand au anuntat sa cuplam centurile de siguranta, sa ridicam masutele si obloanele ferestrelor…haios a fost cand am aterizat si stewardesa, probabil ametita si ea, la fel ca mine, ne a spus: “va uram sedere placuta in Franta”…chiar atat sa fi dormit?? Ori stia ea ceva, Paris, mon amour…

AZI

                Ma grabesc sa scriu cateva cuvinte pana cand mi se va inchide laptop-ul…nu am chef sa l pun iar la incarcat asa ca ma voi baga in pat curand. Sunt bine. Nu stiu daca e doar o impresie de-a mea sau chiar asa e, dar sunt bine. Ma asteapta o saptamana plina de activitati la New York. Sunt in Paris de 9 zile si deja simt ca a trecut 1 luna…dupa New York voi merge in Romania. Imi voi da o sansa sa renasc emotional, ne voi da o sansa. Nu va sti nimeni.

I AM HAPPY

I’ve been thinking about starting this for a while. I guess I never had the courage or the inspiration I needed in order to be able to finish what already started years ago. I am not a writer, nor will ever be.

I have numerous documents in my computer that have never been read. I remember exchanging a couple of them with Nuria, but that was all it. I never meant for my writing to be extraordinary, I just felt the need to copy my thoughts somewhere, so that when I re-read them, I would get the same feeling I did in that specific moment. I didn’t want to lose the feelings I had, those which made me write.

That is what brought me here today. I know that by the time you will be reading this, it will be old and overwritten, not spontaneous and I will have changed. But it is now that I feel I should write about myself. You will understand. At least I do.

Right now, I just got home and sat on the bed, immediately after taking my street clothes off and I felt an urge to put some of my feelings on paper so that they don’t disappear.

I am happy. Everything I wished for this year has happened. I have changed. I see a difference. Others see it too; especially those who I’ve broke contact with for a while. They’ve asked me why I had disappeared for so long without a word. And I told them I had to. I had to see for myself who I was and who I wanted to become. It was not easy and sometimes I thought I knew what the answer was and then it changed again…and again.

NOW I think I am in a good place. I don’t know much about what is going to happen in the next year of my life, but I am certain it will be………….nothing like it was up until now.

Everything is changing. I am changing. I am leaving everything behind and starting all over again. I need this. I don’t even realize that what is about to happen is real. I am indeed counting the days until my leave.

I don’t plan to make an entrance, but I know I will. I always do. I can’t wait.

GURA TA E NUMAI URA?

Gura ta nu e numai ura, ma mai si iubeste uneori…..

Vorbesti mereu si spui ca eu sunt muta….numai daca ai stii cate imi trec mie prin minte in timp ce vorbesti tu…ma mir si eu uneori cum de nu imi auzi si gandurile, cred ca asa de frica imi e sa le scot pe gura incat ma inunda pe dinauntru si le e teama de tine.

Oh, si cat gandesc cand nu vorbim si de cate ori vorbesc cu tine….ma trezesc spunandu-ti atatea, de parca ai fi langa mine la masa, iti povestesc tot ce am facut in ultimele zile si ce ma framanta si ce vreau de la viata si ce ma supara si ce ma bucura si iti spun ca imi e dor de tine si ca te as strange tare si ti spun ca te iubesc….astea doua cuvinte…te iubesc….ies din mine de parca strig, cu asa durere si asa placere ca nici eu nu stiu daca a inceput sa mi placa sa ma doara.

Ma gandesc uneori ca noi doi nu am fost facuti sa vorbim. Am fost facuti sa dam carne cuvintelor. Mi e mult mai usor sa ma inteleg cu corpul tau, cu mainile si pieptul tau, cu gura ta, buzele tale, cu ochii tai inchisi cand ma saruti, decat cu tine cand vorbesti. Eu sunt asa de diferita de tine si tu de mine, asa o fi si iubirea pe care ne o purtam…stiu ca tu ai doua inimi care bat pentru mine, dar iubirea mea e cea mai mare.

Stiu ca o sa ma certi mereu, dar pentru asta imi esti drag. Si o sa te ascult mereu, chiar daca nu te inteleg. Si o sa ma gandesc de o suta ori la ce mi ai spus. Dar sa nu uiti niciodata sa ma iei in brate dupa si sa ma asezi la pieptul tau, cum imi place mie. Asa cum ai facut si aseara. Mi se facuse un dor nebun. N as fi vrut sa ma auzi plangand, dar mi am adus aminte de cand ai plecat si m ai tinut in brate alea 3 minute cat am auzit intruna “tu esti iubita mea” si iti jur ca au fost cele mai scurte-lungi minute din viata mea si te am simtit al meu si drag si indragostit.

Mi ai facut numai bine de cand te am cunoscut si chiar daca nu mi spui de multe ori ca ma iubesti si iti tii tainele numai pentru tine, daca nu ai plecat, inseamna ca vrei sa ramai. Iar eu vreau sa ramai la fel de mult. Unde mai pui ca eu nu am cum sa plec. Sau n ai inteles de ce ai doua inimi?

Vin mai aproape de tine…nu e logic ce am urmarit? Cu pasi mici…Daca o sa plang tare tare de dorul tau, o sa ma chemi la tine sa ne trezim amandoi, imbratisati. Si cand o sa iti vrei spatiul tau, o sa fiu tot departe, la locul meu. Departe sau aproape, oricum o sa fiu acolo.

Spune i cum vrei….declaratie de dragoste sau ganduri pe hartie…am vorbit cu tine acum, cand am simtit si eu. Tu ai treaba si esti cu capul in hartii…eu delirez pentru tine…daca il am pe fat frumos care a venit pe un cal alb si m a cucerit…sper sa l cuceresc si eu sa ma ia la palat sa i fiu regina, intr o zi.

 

 

LOVE DOES NOT LET GO

I have never really understood how it works. One day you get tired of it all and you think: This is not for me. I am not able to do this. I don t need it anymore.

The words keep going on and on in your head and you feel dizzy and you want to laugh and to cry at the same. You blame the others and then you blame God and the Earth and the Sun but always forget to blame yourself. That is in the beginning. Then, you calm down and waste all your tears until you finally realize that IT WAS YOU from day one. YOU were the one who put you in this situation. As hard as you wanted to ignore this, there is no one else to blame. You have been awarded with a life and a soul and you have wasted a part of those things until they said they have had enough.

Can you go back? Never. Your face is swallowed, your eyes are red, and your hands are shaking. You look like a mess, darling. Haven’t we all been there? How do they say….get up, stand up? You should fix your make up and start over. But are you strong enough to forget everything and anything?

Sorrow is long. Tears are numerous and long nights without getting an hour of sleep are countless. And then it hits you.

One day your world is turned upside down in the minute you could swear you don’t need it, don’t want it and never will. But it has its way of coming back. At first you feel little, almost nothing about it. You also might have tried to ignore it and mock it but it stands right in your face. You pass by it but it follows you and it starts to scare you. You have always known it has a way to do so but it has never happened to you.

Good things come for those who wait. Now you know and you have to admit it…it’s back…and it’s better than before. Love has reborn like a Phoenix. You fall in love and you want it to last. You want to remember. First kiss, first place you held hands, first movie you have seen together, the first bouquet of flowers or first time you held onto each-other. There are so many things to be remembered. And so little time.

All in ONE. THE ONE.

I have always thought of myself as a lucky person but I have never thought I could be this lucky. Going through my short 23 years of life, I have encountered – because meeting sounds too superficial right now – not many, but a few men, who, I understand now, have had little parts of what my real dream guy would have.

This being said, the first man I fell in love with had the qualities required for a family man. He was calm and sweet and always liked to spend time alone with me. The second one I fell in love with was affectionate and willing to make me smile and comfortable and say nice things to me. The third man in my life was funny and charming and the forth one was best at spending quality nights together.

Writing these things down has confirmed once again that MY man has these all. He is nice and funny and would do anything for me, not even questioning me why, and he is funny and knows exactly how to make me feel loved and appreciated. Can someone ever give me more? I know these are short words to describe the man of my life, but I think for the first time, I’ve used my head and not my adolescent heart with him. I couldn’t be more right.

Love is love…

Since my moving to Brussels I have constantly obsessed about cutting the days off of my calendar which was always on my table just across my bed. At night, I would come home around 9 or even 10 o’clock and had a few things on my mind: shower, change into bed clothes, take the calming plant pills that my boss has given me and….cut another day off.

My calendar was full of hearts and circles and in blue or red colors. I used to put birthdays, free days, holidays and every sort of events which were very important to me. My secret – when waiting for something big to happen on one day was to get passed a few days without crossing at night so that when I did cross 4-5 days, it seemed time has flown quicker. I would be so happy using this trick and seeing how close I am to what I really wanted.

Every time I would go home to Bucharest or to my childhood town, I would make a special calendar just for the remaining days. I used to count the same way. It always seemed so long. I have always loved my country and I am a true Romanian girl who was forced to study and work in a different place. In my heart I always knew only Paris could conquer me to the fullest, but otherwise I would be forever in love with my capital city, Bucharest.

Last year I have had the chance to stay home for almost a month and a half. I have finished school on the 12^th of December and I had my exam week until the 19^th. I have had the most wonderful boss and I will always thank her for giving me time to study and also to be for the first time in my life an employee with a real salary, a real rent and bills and a real adult. I went home on the 12^th of December and booked a ticket to come back the 9^th of January. I could only think: what an enormous vacation, I cannot wait to savoir it. And when I mean savoir it, I do mean savoir it.

I did everything one man can do in a whole year. I went to the mountains and climbed with the cable tramway and ate the best food at the only restaurant on top of the mountain at 2000m above everyone else. I went to feel the sand even though it was January and WE drove the car almost into the sea. It was raining a bit but I went to pick up shells to make a pretty arrangement for home.

I have the most wonderful lover in the world. He took me everywhere…we ate almost every day at a new restaurant because I wanted to know them all, to know my city and what it has best. There were so many places I would have gone to discover that I did not have time. That is how we came up with our top list of venues. We would take the car and he would ask me…what do you feel about eating tonight? And we would both think, almost every time, I swear, the same place and the same food. We never ate the same things, never. We were so different in our culinary choices.  But we loved the same places.

At night we would come back home to our little one room apartment, 17 square meters and we would laugh again and again, we would watch a movie or the news and i would fall asleep before him a lot of the times. I could never go to sleep, though, without touching him. I would put my hand on one of his arms or legs or simply crawl into his lap and sleep.

I have had the most peaceful nights with this man. I could not believe we were two people instead of one. When we were together…we rose like the sun and burned.

Pure mornin’

–          Buna dimineata, vrei si tu?

De obicei iti cer o gura de cafea si un fum din pachetul pe jumatate gol, dar azi as vrea o gura din gura ta, fumul deja m-a plictisit, as vrea sa schimb ceva.

In fiecare dimineata ma trezesc, ma chinui sa-ti conturez trupul, cu ochii inchisi, degetele mele abia taie aerul rece din camera, iti stiu exact fiecare linie putin ondulata a corpului, trec zambind peste tine. Dar stii cum imi e cel mai usor? Sa te gasesc cautandu-ma pe mine.

Las capul pe spate, bustul usor arcuit, trec mana prin parul desfacut, iti simt parfumul, cobor cu degetele marcand sarutul pe gat, ti-am furat rasuflarea, sunt din ce in ce mai aproape de tine, te-am gasit! Ma prabusesc ostenita pe perna tare, deshid ochii si te cuprind cu palma desfacuta si degetele rasfirate. Sufletul.

–          Si daca nu esti langa mine?

–          Pastreaza-ma aici.

 

 

 

ilu.

„Rostim in fiecare zi atat de multe cuvinte, atat de banale sau atat de tipice, insa ne e greu sa rostim acel “te iubesc” . Imi vine greu sa cred ca totusi cineva ma poate iubi si ma refer la cineva strain pentru ca stiu ca cei din familie ma iubesc, dar cand cineva cu care am vorbit si cu care am stat imi spune “te iubesc” ma tulbura. Nu doar sunetul lor, ci semnificatia ce o cuprinde in ele, rostite, aceste cuvinte pecetluiesc un teanc de sentimente, dar in aceelasi timp deschid altele mai profunde. Nu fac o pledoarie pentru iubire, ci aduc un argument pentru a avea curajul sa spunem unul altuia “te iubesc”. Uneori le spunem prin fapte, prin ganduri, prin gesturi, prin lacrimi, printr-o imbratisare, dar tot atat de rar prin cuvinte si cateodata e pacat…si inca ceva… am uitat… a….. “te iubesc”.
”                            true:)

 

 

So pick me, choose me, love me.

mi (`am) s`a demonstrat inca o data ca lucrurile nu se intampla niciodata asa cum vrem noi. ca momentul acela perfect n`o sa`ti bata la usa in seara cand ti`ai propus, ci te ia prin surprindere atunci cand n`ai nici cea mai vaga idee, cand nu esti perfect machiata si nu ai pe tine haina preferata.

cu toate astea, daca porti cel mai bun zambet, e de ajuns.

nu crezi?

oamenii se schimba si uita sa anunte. 

am realizat ca intr`o societate normala ar trebui sa ne lasam sufletele la colt inainte sa intram.